you have to choose: penises or morals?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
