I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
