I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
