my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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