I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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