I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
