im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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