whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
