I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
