Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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