I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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