I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
