bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
