I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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