her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
