it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
