it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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