I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
