The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
