nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Randomize
