is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
