i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
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