heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I want to fling myself into the sun
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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