I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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