just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
