peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
