you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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