so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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