Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
