Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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