I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
He told me they were just razor bumps!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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