just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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