We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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