New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
