sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
The police scanner is talking about you again....
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
