Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
