remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
