Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
