laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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