when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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