you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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