umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
