somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
