A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
