I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
