anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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