if you like me you must not know who I am
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
