I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I think my fart just growled at me.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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