My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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