I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
