saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
