Are we in a gay sports bar?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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