every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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